i need that new new

I selfishly have too many clothes, too much clutter, dusty shelves, and a floor that needs to be swiffered. In four years time I’ve grown into and out of and now onto… who knows what. All I know is what I’ve got goin on right now just ain’t workin for me. I need a change. This transition is like puberty all over again. Stretch marks, awkward angst, self-contradictions, a constant uncertainty of who I want to be and knowing who I don’t want to be. This social networking digital lifestyle has consumed us all, made us more egocentric than what’s naturally narcissistically within us. I look at “followers” and “likes” and “friends” and at some point in time it started to matter… to the point where I bitterly didn’t want to care, until I realized I’ve built my bread and butter in this matrix world that didn’t even exist 10 years ago. To leave would simply cut me off from being in the know-know. Not to mention leave me with no dough-dough. So, somehow it does matter. Somehow I’m forced to care. This competition to stay relevant only exists in my mind, confined to this box of pixels, now upgradable to higher resolutions. All I ever feel is like there isn’t enough time, I need to manage what I’ve got better, I want to be doing other things than what I’m so blessed to be doing. #firstworldproblems #firstworldproblems They’re so effing lame they’ve got their own hashtag and a sarcastically resentful tone to a… what the hell is a hashtag?! Yes, child of the 21st century, this is a word that you will be born into the world knowing. That, along with ‘Google’, and ‘Wiki’, among other things that seem like nonsense words.

There once was a time I’d borrow my family’s film camera and shoot endless rolls and have my mother angry at the cost of printing them for me. I’d arrange them in albums, full on with captions, and when my friends came over, we’d look at them over and over and over again until our faces hurt from smiling at moments locked on 4×6′s forever. My creativity can now be sold in a store near you. And it can be sold For you. Customizable to everything you want and everything you need it to be for you.

But what about me? What’s left for me when now all I have time for is for everyone else? Better to be the one woman show big boss ricky ross than to have to report to anyone else. Except I’ve been on my own self development tip for awhile. Kinda taxing to be paving the way for a minute. My work follows me home and I constantly battle within myself — resisting what I need to do for everyone else to fit in what I want to do for myself… only to end up feeling guilty for it because I didn’t do what I “needed to do today”.

What I need to do is find a new way. What I need to do is get creative about my circumstance. What I need to do is have a new outlook. What I need to do is stop worrying about the world that is watching that I’ve suddenly become conscious of. My dad used to tell me, “You have a lot of influence on the people around you. What are you being a stand for?” I don’t want these eyes because I feel the pressure. I don’t want these assumptions that there are judgements. I don’t always want to be the leader. I don’t want to always be the girl who’s doing shitloads and ‘makin it happen’. What exactly is ‘it’ and what’s happening?

Who cares about the grind and the hustle and the city mentality. Can we use some new verbs please? Can we go back to the bare essentials? Can we be real about our intentions? Can we have ones that are for the betterment of others and not for the ‘hits’ or ‘trending topics’ or the top of everyone’s ‘mini-feed’? Can the capitalists stop monopolizing on every outlet of freedom and expression we have? Can the corporate suits stop trying to find a way to make things cheaper and faster at the expense of our planet, our people, and our happiness? They’re successfully creating a generation of apathetic youth who take self-portraits through bathroom mirrors exclaiming ‘YOLO! YOLO!’ when the most daring thing they’re really doing is sharing a Youtube video.

I’m just me. Extraordinarily Me. I wasn’t born too far off from when the digital boom hit hard… but I lived early enough to know what analogue is. In a way… growing into and out of and onto… is kind of leading me back to where I started. Psychologically, we all think it was better then than it is now.

I know this platform for change is a powerful one. It is something I will be part of. I feel it in my gut. I’ve felt it far back as long as I can remember.

But right now, today… I feel this. I feel like going back to all my creative roots that were outlets of expression for just Me. With the intent of only Me, and the future Me. I’m going to take film photos and print them. Make albums that me and my friends can look at time and time again. I’m going to get a sewing machine and re-work and recycle, I’m going to wear the fruits of my labour and creativity. I’m going to ride my bike far away from the city and have bonfires and swim in clean water and breathe fresh air. I’m going to move my furniture around, reduce my physical possessions, finish all my unread books in a park and let my boyfriend finally teach me how to dance in a way I’ve always wanted to surrender my inhibitions.

So… to whoever is out there, reading this, as conscious as I am of you, I put my heart out there so that you can remember it’s okay to do the same. It’s more than alright to live for You. In fact, it’s what makes it all worth it.

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