i need that new new

I selfishly have too many clothes, too much clutter, dusty shelves, and a floor that needs to be swiffered. In four years time I’ve grown into and out of and now onto… who knows what. All I know is what I’ve got goin on right now just ain’t workin for me. I need a change. This transition is like puberty all over again. Stretch marks, awkward angst, self-contradictions, a constant uncertainty of who I want to be and knowing who I don’t want to be. This social networking digital lifestyle has consumed us all, made us more egocentric than what’s naturally narcissistically within us. I look at “followers” and “likes” and “friends” and at some point in time it started to matter… to the point where I bitterly didn’t want to care, until I realized I’ve built my bread and butter in this matrix world that didn’t even exist 10 years ago. To leave would simply cut me off from being in the know-know. Not to mention leave me with no dough-dough. So, somehow it does matter. Somehow I’m forced to care. This competition to stay relevant only exists in my mind, confined to this box of pixels, now upgradable to higher resolutions. All I ever feel is like there isn’t enough time, I need to manage what I’ve got better, I want to be doing other things than what I’m so blessed to be doing. #firstworldproblems #firstworldproblems They’re so effing lame they’ve got their own hashtag and a sarcastically resentful tone to a… what the hell is a hashtag?! Yes, child of the 21st century, this is a word that you will be born into the world knowing. That, along with ‘Google’, and ‘Wiki’, among other things that seem like nonsense words.

There once was a time I’d borrow my family’s film camera and shoot endless rolls and have my mother angry at the cost of printing them for me. I’d arrange them in albums, full on with captions, and when my friends came over, we’d look at them over and over and over again until our faces hurt from smiling at moments locked on 4×6′s forever. My creativity can now be sold in a store near you. And it can be sold For you. Customizable to everything you want and everything you need it to be for you.

But what about me? What’s left for me when now all I have time for is for everyone else? Better to be the one woman show big boss ricky ross than to have to report to anyone else. Except I’ve been on my own self development tip for awhile. Kinda taxing to be paving the way for a minute. My work follows me home and I constantly battle within myself — resisting what I need to do for everyone else to fit in what I want to do for myself… only to end up feeling guilty for it because I didn’t do what I “needed to do today”.

What I need to do is find a new way. What I need to do is get creative about my circumstance. What I need to do is have a new outlook. What I need to do is stop worrying about the world that is watching that I’ve suddenly become conscious of. My dad used to tell me, “You have a lot of influence on the people around you. What are you being a stand for?” I don’t want these eyes because I feel the pressure. I don’t want these assumptions that there are judgements. I don’t always want to be the leader. I don’t want to always be the girl who’s doing shitloads and ‘makin it happen’. What exactly is ‘it’ and what’s happening?

Who cares about the grind and the hustle and the city mentality. Can we use some new verbs please? Can we go back to the bare essentials? Can we be real about our intentions? Can we have ones that are for the betterment of others and not for the ‘hits’ or ‘trending topics’ or the top of everyone’s ‘mini-feed’? Can the capitalists stop monopolizing on every outlet of freedom and expression we have? Can the corporate suits stop trying to find a way to make things cheaper and faster at the expense of our planet, our people, and our happiness? They’re successfully creating a generation of apathetic youth who take self-portraits through bathroom mirrors exclaiming ‘YOLO! YOLO!’ when the most daring thing they’re really doing is sharing a Youtube video.

I’m just me. Extraordinarily Me. I wasn’t born too far off from when the digital boom hit hard… but I lived early enough to know what analogue is. In a way… growing into and out of and onto… is kind of leading me back to where I started. Psychologically, we all think it was better then than it is now.

I know this platform for change is a powerful one. It is something I will be part of. I feel it in my gut. I’ve felt it far back as long as I can remember.

But right now, today… I feel this. I feel like going back to all my creative roots that were outlets of expression for just Me. With the intent of only Me, and the future Me. I’m going to take film photos and print them. Make albums that me and my friends can look at time and time again. I’m going to get a sewing machine and re-work and recycle, I’m going to wear the fruits of my labour and creativity. I’m going to ride my bike far away from the city and have bonfires and swim in clean water and breathe fresh air. I’m going to move my furniture around, reduce my physical possessions, finish all my unread books in a park and let my boyfriend finally teach me how to dance in a way I’ve always wanted to surrender my inhibitions.

So… to whoever is out there, reading this, as conscious as I am of you, I put my heart out there so that you can remember it’s okay to do the same. It’s more than alright to live for You. In fact, it’s what makes it all worth it.

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Burnt Out.

“Having the faith to Love truly is your fight.

The fight often goes unnoticed, and is a passion can so easily burn you out. I don’t know anyone with same amount of raw passion. Everytime you type “Lovehard” I feel you. Its real. Its wholehearted. You always “say yes” if it is to love. So when Andrea Gibson says, “this is for saying yes”, I think to myself, “This is for Char”. – Nate Gerber

Someone wrote this to me this morning while sending me a Youtube video of Andrea Gibson’s poem “Say Yes”. I was sent this poem a few weeks back from another person, but it really hit home for me particularly today. It was really a moment from the Universe. To think, my innermost thoughts and feelings, unarticulated, being reached out to me through someone whom I’ve never had any close relations to. That is work of the Divine. When these moments happen in life, we cannot ignore it, we cannot downplay it. It is something truly Extraordinary.

Always Saying “Yes” to Love is not easy. I am in constant battle with myself in continually choosing to have the Courage to Love. This battle is unrelenting… and well, simply put, F*ck, MAN… Love is f*cking hard sometimes. It confuses me. One minute I feel like I have a grasp on what Love is, and the next minute that idea is yanked out of my hands and I’m left feeling befuddled once more. I want to stand up for What I Want. I want to stand up for What I Know I Deserve. I want to Love and Be Loved. Because Lord knows, I sure know how to give it.

Too many times in the past have I loved on those who could not handle my Love. It’s too much and too extraordinary. I’ve learned over time how to hold back. I’ve learned over time how to keep my mouth shut, keep my true desires unspoken and locked up in the ventricles and atriums of my heart. I’ve learned over time how to be Careful. I bleed and I heal, I bleed and I heal, stronger and harder every single time… Yet it’s still there. This burning intensity to want to Love on someone who burns just as bright, loves just as freely, loves just as ferociously as Me.

And so I am… Burnt out. Burnt out from giving and loving and believing and hoping and fighting… always fighting for this thing called Love. But, Love is Ever Abundant, isn’t it? It’s supposed to come springing out of wells, and gushing out like waterfalls, no? Yes. Love IS Ever Abundant, but the fight for Love is Ever Constant… And the world continues to war with each other over money and land, when the true battle worth fighting is the one for Love.

I won’t stop. I will come around, once again. I always do. Even though today, I am tired, I know I will not stop fighting. The cause will always be too Great. Too Great.

For now… this Love is for Me. Only for Me.

I’ve spoken my piece.
Peace.

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Love Courageously.

Fear is not a friend, yet he lingers, hangs around, waits for an opportunity to leech onto anything great that’s about to happen and plots to sabotage it. All he needs is a foothold, all he needs is your ear to listen, all he needs is you to believe in the lie that Love is Not Abundant.

I hate when I make decisions influenced by Fear. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t feel Free. I feel so uncomfortably Safe, and worst of all, I am in denial of it. I am in denial of my own regret. Fear is not a friend, yet he’s always there. I can’t shake him off.

And then I remember that Courage is a Choice. In the presence of Fear, to choose to do what I’m most afraid of, is Courage. I feel so uncomfortably dangerous and unsure and excited  and willing to take the chance to fall. Fall hard, Fall fast.

And then I remember that Strength and Wisdom is the fruit of Courage. I remember that I am much stronger than I think. I am much stronger than Fear tells me.

I do not want to be afraid of Who I Know I Am. I do not want to be afraid to Love the Way I Want to Love. Even if that means it’s not returned. Even if that means I am rejected.

I refuse to be selfish with This Love. Selfishness comes from poverty in the heart. True Starvation. Selfishness comes from the belief that Love is Not Abundant.

Because it Is. Love is Ever Abundant.

And I want to give it freely. I want to give it openly. I want to give it furiously.

I’m afraid You can’t handle it. But I don’t want that assumption to hold me back anymore.

I will Love with Abandon. I will Love in Abundance. I will Lovehard because there is no better, or more exhilarating, or more nerve wracking, or more Fulfilling… way to Love.

I’ve spoken my piece.
Peace.

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Handle Yourself.

There’s no point in feeling insecure about your complexities. They are what is most beautiful about You. You are not Too Much. You are not Too Much, at all. You are enough. Yes, You. Just as you are. You are not simple — layers uncovering more layers, and colors, and shapes, and patterns. You are unique and one of a kind — the imprint you leave on this Earth is unlike any other. Through time and space, there has and only ever will be, One You.

I love that about You. There really is nobody else like You.

The greatest thing about your complexities, is that they can be so heart wrenchingly challenging, but that doesn’t come without the most fulfilling reward. That is, You, at your fullest potential. The Best version of You. The version you never knew existed.

Complexity brings dimension, it brings new perspective, different smells, and textures, and sounds you’ve never heard. Complexity brings the Fun, the Dangerous, the Exciting, the Angry, the Sad, the Depressingly Sad, the Furious, the Extreme, the Adventurous, the Loving, the Caring, the Hilarious, the Evil, the Good, the Confident, the Meek, the… Everything.

You show us why Life is worth living, and living Real Good.

Handle your complexities. You’ve come this far… it’s worth going all the way.

I’ve spoken my piece.
Peace.

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RTA Season 3

[RSU Parade & Picnic 2010]

Oh man. We always know 3rd season is most often times — the best season for any running show. 1st Season is a little rocky, nobody has done this before and everything is always about the First Time. Heck, fashion sense and hair styles were the worst then. Then we get to Season 2 -- everyone’s starting to find their footing. Sophomores begin to get over their wall of Cool, stop hating on all the people they hated in 1st year, and start taking life a little bit more seriously. But then… ohhhh, but theeeeen... We get to 3rd Year. Third Time’s the Charm, Baby.

We semi-own the school. We’ve been around long enough that our Profs are starting to know us, we know our way around campus and people outside of our program. We have two younger years to boss around, but at the same time, have gained more seniority with the 4th years. The major difference is that we don’t have to be sh*ttin’ our pants worried about graduation and “real life” post-university — we still gotz time to fool around.

Season 3, everyone’s stepped up their city steeze. Toronto has made that kind of influence — I’m seeing really great fall hair cuts and color schemes. People seem to be dressing more of themselves. It’s a beautiful thing for me to see – the evolution of self-expression. Season 3, everyone has become a little bit more comfortable in their own skin, nobody cares about fitting in (nor should they) because it’s about getting the best out of what we paid for.

There are more opportunities, more challenges, more people to meet, more initiatives to take, and more leadership roles to step into. 3rd Year is about putting on the Big Wo/Man Pants and taking ownership of our Future. Nobody is going to create it for You.

I… am kind of in love with this year. 3rd Year. My Jordan Year (23, baby!) and 3 just so happens to be my number…

BRRRRRRRAPPP!

I’ve spoken my piece. Peace

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Hoping Vs. Expecting

There’s a major difference between the act of hoping and the act of expecting. One induces the feelings of lustre, romance, and content in the present moment, and the other one provokes frustration, disappointment, and living in the past. Free yourself, my beautiful sister. Love in the moment and Love it for being that Moment. Keep the lustre in your eyes, the romance in your soul, and hold a little longer, and a little tighter, onto the present moment that’s capturing your Heart. #Lovehard

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Connected. [Part 4]

And here I am… returning to this song once again. It’s not so new. The words come out from a subconscious memory, escaping my lips to the same melody she sings sweetly, sincerely. This song used to make me think of You. Well, maybe because I even thought to say that out loud… this song still makes me think of You.

You’re different Now.

Or maybe it’s Me.

It’s definitely Me. I don’t see things the way I used to. No, but I see them more clearly. Innocence and taintlessness, I hang onto more tightly. The idea of What Could Be seems farther than what I remembered. The shell grows thicker and the heart grows harder.

But I know more things. Important things. Things that make me feel old. Things that make me feel… wiser. Things that make me feel… Stronger. Like… I can take this. I can take it.

I hear this song all over again and all I remember is how I felt when I first heard it.

There is so much deeper to dig from Here. There is So Far To Go. Preparation will Meet Opportunity.

This will not be in Vain.

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Connected. [Part 3]

We sit and cringe at the thought of the organization of a Reunion. “Do I really wanna see these people? I think I’m cool with the regularly scheduled programming of my life, to not disrupt it’s routine and re-connect with these people.” And so we Do. We follow the comfortable route of what we’ve known in the past while and are completely okay with following that path.

But then What? So, What?

Make that effort to Stay Connected. You’d be surprised to know that despite time, distance, and all the things that fill the in-between, Connections, the Real ones, never falter. The dynamic may change but a true Connection remains the same… just… pick up where ya left off. There is nobody else in your life that knew you the way they knew you during that Time they knew you. And although, maybe not as close as before, they celebrate with you who you’ve become Today.

Dedicated to everyone who’s known me and played their integral part in my growth during the Time they were closest to me… know I am forever grateful. We are, and always will be… Connected.

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Better Things.

[Written March 29th, 2009]

She rushes around the empty suite gathering her things. Lipstick, check. Wallet, check. Keys, check. The typical ‘get-ready’ montage of a woman putting together a last minute outfit is sequenced to ‘Move on Up’ by Curtis Mayfield. Her black ankle-cut boots click-clack on the hardwood floors as she makes her way into the bathroom to primp up her hair. Down? Up? Ugh. She chooses to compromise somewhere in between.

In the midst of her busyness, her eyes take hold of her reflection in the mirror. She pauses. She remembers this look. She remembers the exact same feelings she felt that day as she stares back into her own deep, brown eyes. She remembers her words.

“I will not cry. I will not cry. You are worth fighting for. One day, I promise you, you will get exactly what you deserve…”

She snaps back to two years later and asks herself what the hell she thinks she’s doing.

She is tired of fighting. She is tired of convincing. She is tired of working. She has felt this before, she has gone through it, and she has been hurt by it. She knows better… she knows she deserves Better Things.

She removes her jacket. She clips off her earrings. She slides into bed and wonders when that day will finally arrive…

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Connected. [Part 2]

Invaluable moments. The ones where you take full album long walks around city blocks, the type of albums that so “speak my life” right now. The ones where you wake up before the rest of the world begins to stir, and have your morning tea alone on your patio, or maybe at the park nearby. It’s those type of moments where quiet is the perfect word to describe your soul. Hmm, or ‘still’, or ‘humble’, or ‘peaceful’… or better yet, ‘Alive.’ Yeah, I think that sums it up best. Oh wait, no, I just thought of an even better one… Connected. Those invaluable moments where you feel… Connected. When was the last time you felt that? The last time you got lost in your book, couldn’t wait to get home, cozy up on your couch with a cup of tea and Baileys, and just get… lost in stories, the pure art form of storytelling. I love that. Or how about, the last time you went on a night ride? Get a bike, it’ll change your life. There’s just something about biking through the warm yet crisp night air, and how it flows through your fingertips like running water. I can’t get enough of it.

It’s those type of moments when you cook yourself a delicious meal, or take your notebook to the park and write without inhibition. You don’t even have to try so hard, because nobody is watching, nobody is reading, and nobody cares about what you’re doing… so why should you? It’s like that when you go to one of those crazy dance parties. A kind of liberation that is unlike anything I’ve experienced. Grooving. I love grooving. It requires nothing else but the physical act of… feeling the Beat, and allowing your body to do what it does involuntarily. Even if it looks bad, haha. Then again, that’s the point of grooving, you FEEL good no matter how you look.

It’s those invaluable moments, the small ones, the ones that get barely remembered, or never forgotten, ones that you do routinely, or not often enough…Being Connected. Something we neglect too much… something I’ve neglected a lot. To really… and truthfully… do the things I need to do in order for me to stay Connected… to Myself.

This balance is necessary. Essential. Because as much as I love Moving, Going, Getting, Giving, Loving… on everyone and everything else… First and foremost, I have and always will have… and will Love…  Me.

And so should You.

I’ve spoken my piece.
Peace.

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