Here we go. I feel as though I’ve gone through this routine multiple times in the last three years. I am constantly being sent off, welcomed back, going away parties, packing, saying my goodbyes, and making my reunions. I truly believe this will be a life I’ll live for a long while. I was made for it.

Mmmm. It’s surreal to think that although I am returning to Toronto, I won’t be returning as the same person, or to the same circumstances. Good. I am in need for change and moving forward. 

One thing needs to be said:

Goodbye.

Goodbye to my old home. Goodbye to bad habits. Goodbye to empty hopes. Goodbye to young, immature old ways. Goodbye to the idea of you and me. Goodbye to everything I know I can be better than. There is so much more awaiting me. 

Until we see each other again, Toronto.

I’ve spoken my piece.

Peace.

She doesn’t want to know. She doesn’t need to know. She doesn’t need to hear it because she doesn’t need someone’s word to determine her worth. She knows who she is, even if she doesn’t feel it today, tomorrow, right now. All she knows is that she never wants to feel this way again. This feeling. Empty.

EXCITEMENT! EYYYAAAHHH!! 

Every time I think of it… of ALL of it, I immediately illuminate and you can most definitely spot me grinning from ear to ear. Why? WHY, do you ask?!

This summer is so promising. I have much, much, much to look forward to and I know this summer will be packed with lots of learning, new people, new adventures, all in the comfort and familiarity of home. It’s like… experiencing a place you’ve known so well, but in a whole new light, new perspective, and with new opportunities. Vancouver is beckoning. 

What is getting me so stimulated?

• landed a great internship, working alongside Derrick, who has not only been my mentor for the last year, but he will be taking me under his armpit and he’s going to teach me everything. Incredible.
• working with D = working with sexy ass equipment = many projects = many videos = a lot of freaking fun before I even start school. HOLY.
• monies! getting some monies!!!
• booyyyyyyssssss??? mmmm. we’ll see about that one. vancity and pegcity won’t be able to get a handle on this T.O. washed chick. 
• new and old peoples. best friends. child hood friends. friends to come. grrrrrreat times.
• BEACH! the west coast… oh your mountains, water, sand, beautiful….. i will embrace the nature i’ve been deprived of like never before.
• food. the food is delicious. especially west coast seafood. salmon. sushi! asian delicacies! ah! ah!
• my BIRTHDAY. 21. best believe it baby. and we’ll make it gooooooood. real good!
• i’m goin, goin, back, back, to cali, cali! brrraatatattsss! can’t wait to see familia, friends, the Joo! and rip the coast, even mexico! can someone say… puerto rican sexy? thanks, i might let you touch me.
• moms. pops. brajas. lola. we are family. 
• SUMMER. that’s it. everything it encompasses. flip flops, short shorts, frappuccinos, walking, walking, walking. stanley park. biking adventures. warm weather. my stunna shades. robson. downtown. gastown. partying. dancing. hanging out. bbq’s. parks. lots of parks. sun bathing. swimming. 

I want to capture it all. 

This is the season finale folks. Until the new fall season premiere. 

Stay tuned.

I’ve spoken my piece.

Peace.

I don’t understand people who don’t grasp opportunities that seem to slap them clear across the face. Do you think you will ever be able to get this chance again? Slim to none. 

Unfortunate.

It really doesn’t have to be that complicated. Why do we make things so complicated? It’s really not. It really… is… not.

Today, it is raining.

There’s a heaviness that hangs in the air and a cold chill that makes it’s way under every layer of my skin. It makes my bones resonate and my teeth clench, as if to block out it’s seeping. There is something that has gotten to me. 

Maybe it’s this fight within myself to stand up and be the independent, strong, and unstoppable woman that I know I am, or maybe it’s the old voice pushing it’s way through to be heard, to tell me that I… should feel guilty. Stupid. Dumb. Lesser version of myself. 

A long, hot shower needs to be had. Warmth and love needs to make it’s way back. I’m going to go and be generous with myself and give a little TLC. 

I’ll feel good in a matter of minutes.

I’ve spoken my piece.

Peace.

This. is. Unbelievable.

=)

The day has been tiresome. Waking up to a skinny black cat licking my fingers and playing with my arm is always entertaining. Two nights in a row of waking up in a bed that’s not mine (and by that, I just mean Britney and Rachel’s, hah, RE-LAX.) I am trying to make the most of my time left with two of some of my most favorite people in this beloved city. In soon times, I shall be off to a summer rippin’ the west coast of Vancity/Cali, Brit is off to find me a four-leaf clover in Ireland, and Rachel will be ‘OPA-ing’ on the beaches of Santorini, Greece. When I return, they will both still be away, therefore I make no waste of what I have left. 

Last night was spent watching Freaky Friday with Rachel and cooking up some pesto-pasta. I walked about the empty bedroom with nothing but a gigantor back pack that contained the six month’s worth of clothing/supplies she will bring with her. I went nuts at the fact that she couldn’t even squeeze in a pair of boots! (Which left me then to offer my free boot-sitting services, teehee.) I am so proud and excited for the adventure she’s going to embark on next week that it makes me quarter-wish that I didn’t get into school so that I could use all that money I saved up in the summer to visit her/the rest of Europe. 

I am getting incredibly antsy. 

I just want it to be April 30th already so I can throw up the deuces to the life I’ve lived in Toronto for the last year, stop over in the Peg City to party, and touch down in my hometown to the waiting welcoming parade. Coming back here will be different in August. 

I have been getting bloody tired of things as of late. I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care about things like I used to. Change of focus. Change of environment. Change of responsibilities. Change of people. 

I. Just. Don’t. Care.

My cake-in-a-cup delicious tea is finished. (Sri-Lanken long leafed Rooibos.)

I must sort the laundry.

I’ve spoken my piece.

Peace.

They kept telling me the same thing and I didn’t want to listen. I know it’s because they know my value and they don’t want anyone to take up my time who doesn’t recognize or see the same thing. I have shrugged and brushed this off and gone about my own business, but I am realizing at this very moment that I have been hoping and wanting for something that doesn’t exist. Not here, anyway. 

I look back at my track record, the people involved in that, and I am saddened to say that it is different people, same circumstance, and same residual shitty self-compromised feeling on my behalf. 

I am better than this. I deserve to treat myself like so much more. It’s not something anyone ever did to wrong me, but rather, the choices I made that wronged myself. I don’t think it’s wrong to know how I want to be loved because I would want to know how to go about loving right, too. 

Current state: Somewhat heavy hearted. 

There is never any regret in the time or care invested; it’s always worth it if it means coming that much closer to understanding this little business called Love. 

I shall go now and make the most of what’s left of this Easter Weekend. 

I’ve spoken my piece.

Peace.

T-minus 20 Days.

I don’t give a shit anymore.

Summer is coming. So are long lost friends, family, delicious eats, beautiful weather, lots of new/old places to discover… I am stomping my foot with delight. I. Absolutely. Cannot. Wait.

“Disappointing things happen just so that the right thing that’s SUPPOSED to happen is just around the corner…” -bCharlie

This. Is. Lame.

You’re all a bunch of bloody morons.

Lick. My. Balls.