You wanna know the truth? What I really think and feel that I won’t acknowledge for fear that speaking it unto the universe would make it come true?
Here it is, folks:

I long for an intimacy that I’m afraid to have.

And although I’m a firm believer that Timing is a huge factor of whether or not an individual is “ready” for that intimacy, it doesn’t change the fact that subconsciously underneath it all… I want it.
There. I said it.
I want it.

And if you’re wondering why I’m afraid… why we’re all afraid… Well, I don’t know what else to tell you other than it’s because it’s unknown, uncharted territory that for some reason, if this issue were to be a matter of geography or job opportunity, I’d be exhilarated. I’d say, “Hells yeah, who cares, let’s do it.”

This part of my life, where I’m at right now? I call it, “the downward slope from the peak of single-hood… for now.”

Sigh. Lol. Oh, Char.
I’ve spoken my piece.
Peace.

Yeah. Whatever. So what if I was totally in Quebec City this weekend for the Rebull Crashed Ice event with a whole crew from T.O. reppin’ VIP passes staying at the Chateau Frontenac?! What’s it to you?!?!

BEST. WEEKEND. EVER.

I’m just dreaming of that California king sized bed that I comfortably shared with the Granby Girls. All three of us fit so perfectly on that bed. I walked around the Chateau in a ballin white bath robe and my sneakers. Even had k-os spot me at the elevator doors and compliment me on my choice of attire to peruse the grand lobby. Lol. I ate authentic Swiss fondue at La Grolla where gluttony was committed on several accounts. We partied at Maurice’s and Dagobert’s like we was in Europa Technoland. I fell in love with cobble stone and horse carriages and the St. Lawrence river. I just want to spend my days curled up on a couch, eating sandwiches from Paillard and sippin’ on real thick espresso. And You know those annoying b*tches you see struttin’ up to the bouncers, flashing their lovely smile and getting in without question? And you wonder to yourself, what did youuuuuu do to be so special as to deserve that treatment? And here you are, it’s 0 degrees out and you’re at the back of the line up on the other side of the building, shivering in your mini skirt considering if you should go straight to after-eats because you know you most likely will never get in… WELL… for once in my life… I WAS ONE OF THOSE b*tches!!!

And it KEPT happening. HAHAHA. I swear, apparently we were getting looked at a lot everywhere we went as a troupe. It’s as if people looked at us and wondered if we were famous because we looked like we could be famous, but really, we’re no where close to being famous. Hahaha. Such a WEIRD feeling to be treated like that. Needless to say, it felt pretty freaking pimp all weekend to be livin’ it up like we did.

I’m exhausted. Try going back to Monday morning 9am-9pm school day after an incredible weekend like that.
Oh. And it’s been announced. I officially have converted to liking mushrooms. Never have before, but after trying mushrooms stuffed with cured beef and baked in cheesey goodness? How could you say no? Oh. ALSO, I officially and currently… am diggin’ the White Boy. Never did before, but for some reason… definitely do now.

As quoted from my facebook status: “I’ve done my fair share of dippin’ into the pool of our kind. I have NEVER been into White Boys!! Like, actually! And now… I’ve a strong attraction to those beautiful eyeballs/long eyelashes fused with an extensive knowledge of tasteful music, impeccable style, possibly a tatty sleeve and >5″10 mark… needless to say, the cultured White boy is a good look in my books. Pass any of them my way? Lol.”

Resumes with headshots now being accepted. Line em up. I like you.
I’m just writing silly random nonsense now. Leave you with a few flicks? That’d be a good idea. Flickr will be up soon. Stay tuned!

[facebook album unedited up, in case you wanted a sneakeroo. gotta be my friend though! part 1 part 2.]

I’ve spoken my piece.
Peace.

When flint hits the timber,
Spark.
Like the zap and pow of eyes interlocking
I’m on a one way path unable to change course
Stronger than gravity
There’s no steering away
I see You seeing me,
Spark.

And I wonder.
Can we fan this to flame?

A call
A message
A face

A smile
A hug
An embrace
Can we fuel the fire?

A kiss
Or several
And repeat.
Can there be more to go by?

Then I remember,
It’s just a spark
Hanging on
And when there’s nothing to go by…

It’s gone.
Ssssss…

On Friday night the Granby Girls (my two roomates, my two besties, and life partners also known as Jen and Brit) and I were fortunate enough to attend a special evening with Carlos Andres Gomez. A revolutionary spoken word poet seeking empowerment and change in the minds of those willing to be enlightened. He talks about breaking society’s definition of masculinity, he talks about respecting and cherishing women, he talks about taking nothing personal and believing everyone is beautiful. He is so charismatic and humble, you can’t help but gravitate towards him and be eager to listen. He’s not a one-man show either, he really engages his listeners to participate, discuss, share and learn from one another. To sum up how powerful this evening was, Carlos had me leaving the event in tears.

It’s weird that a few days ago I was talking about Time Warping. That’s what it is. Going away to Toronto and living a completely different life to return to where it all began and never seeing the people I once saw on the regular. People’s paths divert and change and move… constantly. And then… after all that time, all these people’s paths could be brought together once again. Unfortunate the circumstance and reason for us all coming together… but it made me appreciate each and every single person present.

I thought back to when I was 16, everyone else 17. We used to hang out at the smoke pit. I remember there were a lot of gross spit balls on the ground. It was the chillin’ place to stand and cool out. Sometimes we did the exact same thing in the tennis courts. We stood there… and my mind flashed back to 6 years ago when that happened. It felt as though nothing changed, and we were there all over again. It tripped me out so bad to come together with all these people I haven’t seen in so long. I just wanted to stay. I wanted to revel in it all because I fear the next time and how long it would be before that would happen again.

He was walking me home once. It was snowing. I laughed and tried to push him into the ground. He chased after me down the slippery sidewalk and threw me into the snow-covered grass. He told me he had never made snow angels before. So we made them. We stared up at the bright vast blackness we lay beneath and watched for shooting stars. He caught sight of one, and I told him to make a wish. I asked him to tell me what he wished for. He told me he wished we would be friends forever. I laughed and said to myself, ‘this guy is so gay.’ But I knew I loved it. I knew he meant it. I can’t believe that there actually existed a time when someone wished upon a star that we would be friends forever. I wish his wish came true. I know forever means beyond what life’s bounds… but I wish forever was a little more longer here on earth.

I am sad. I am genuinely and deeply sad for the family, for our friends, for everyone who knew him. My heart goes out to you. To all of you. I hate feeling this way. I hate being angry. I hate being sad. I hate that this is what it came to when everyone who’s life you’ve touched has loved you. Why couldn’t you see that? You should have seen everyone who came for you. Everyone who shed a tear, toasted a drink, chanted your name… I wish you could see how selfish you were. I wish it would be enough to change it. Where are you? That’s what scares me. I don’t know. We all don’t know.

I’m just typing nonsense… trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. I hate thinking about these things.

Nobody gets it, and I guess nobody ever will. I’ve kind of been here before, and I’ve kind of asked these same questions at one point in time… and not knowing the answers has frustrated me, made me angry time and time again. The answer is: there are no definite answers. We do whatever is natural for our human bodies to come to accept something as tragic as this. We cry, we cling onto each other, we share fond memories, we speak unto the universe wherever he may be, telling him we miss him, we wish we did more, said something, hugged longer, made more of an effort… anything and everything to feel some sort of peace within ourselves.

I hate thinking about it because it’s something I’ve never felt at peace about. How can you when it burns your brain wondering how someone can get to that point of choosing to end it all? It makes me angry. I want to break windows and punch walls. It is selfish. It is SUCH a selfish act. It doesn’t matter how much you’re hurting, things CAN get better. I wish I was there, I wish we still talked, I wish it wasn’t years since we last saw each other, really had a conversation with one another. It makes me mad thinking about how people can be so closed minded, blinded by what’s in front of them not being able to see past themselves. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE OUT THERE THAN THIS. THINGS CAN GET BETTER. THEY CAN. THEY CAN. THEN CAN.

I wish you knew this. I wish I could tell you this. I wish you were still alive. I wish you could see that every single person who’s life you’ve touched are hurting. Everyone is HURTING because of what you did and that’s why I’m mad at all of this. Perhaps we’re at fault for not making more of an effort, but let’s get real, people care, it’s not like you didn’t have any friends, it’s not like you were never loved, it didn’t ever have to come to this. IT DIDN’T.

You were too young. You had too much to experience still in life, the happiest moments were still ahead… couldn’t you see that?! I wish you could see the power and potential you had in you to really make a difference in your life. You can choose to live as easily as you chose to die…

This is so sad. I don’t like opening this door in my heart. I am angry, I am mad, I am hurt for your family. It doesn’t matter that we haven’t spoken in years, I still remember the things you once told me, I remember the hopes and promises you once made. You wished for us to be friends forever.

I thank God that at one point in time we shared a closeness, although brief, was genuine and real. Thanks for telling me that I looked like an exotic Filipina, haha. I think you just thought that because I’m pale. Bad joke… sigh. You were a good guy, Sam. A really, really good guy… as much as maybe you thought everyone would get over it one day, you never factored in how long that would take for some people, and how much you’d hurt us all…

To anyone who’s reading this who maybe… shares similar feelings to my friend Sam who thought life would be easier if it wasn’t lived at all… I want you to know that you’re WRONG. Life is what you make it and you have the power within yourself to make it as good as you can imagine. Please believe this, and please know that you are cared and loved for. The world needs You.

I’ve spoken my piece.
Peace.

That’s just what it’s like for me every time I come out here… It’s like I go through a time warp and life skips chapters ahead. All of a sudden, I’m being invited to three weddings next summer, childhood friends are getting engaged/popping out humans from their asses, more people are getting preggers, homies are changing their majors, going back to school, dropping school, homegirls aren’t even in the city anymore/venturing off into unknown territory… the world keeps on spinning and I forget that when I’m in Toronto, Vancouver is not at a stand still waiting to pick up where we left off. It’s a matter of coming back here… and well, catching up. It makes me wish I had all the time in the world to see everyone who once meant something to me, to genuinely hear about how they’re doing, what kind of curve balls and victories life has given them. Let’s be honest here, people change. And most definitely… I’ve changed. Vancouver has seen two versions of me and sometimes it’s hard to accept what you’re not used to, you know? I get that. I don’t take it personal.
I was talking about this with one of my oldest and best friends last night. He said to me, “You’re so lucky to be able to know two cities so well. We go to Toronto, and we only know you. Haha.”
I end up feeling so divided sometimes. I end up wanting to be where I’m not. Dissatisfied with my current state. Mmmm. But life is about Timing and it’s perfect place in this progression of my story. Right now, Toronto is where my hustle’s at.
I do, however… feel a stronger urge to return one day to the west and live here for a period of time once more, this time at a part of the city where I can watch the sun slide down behind the ocean, every single night…

NOT looking forward to going home Wednesday morning…
I’ve spoken my piece.
Peace.

If one is wondering my whereabouts as of late… Alls I cans tells ya is:
Running on moving walkways feels like SUPERMAN.
Traveling with 3 > 1 [and unbreakable bond was forrrmmmed.]
we are a traveling troupe of anarchists (so did not book this right away.)

So liiiike when is our country going to incorporate a 24 carat gold maple leaf onto our flag? Because I’m preeettyyy sure 14 gold medals would give us the claims to do so. Just sayin.