Wack.

That’s just what it is, folks. The dating game is WACK.

One, they call it a ‘game‘ for a reason. For answers unbeknown to me, there is this unwritten code of rules you must follow in which you participate in this ‘adventure’, if you will, and you either come out the ‘loser’ or the ‘winner’. It’s this push and pull, tug-of-war, reverse psychology bullsh*t that two individuals play with one another… to what?? Make yourself feel ‘on top’ and the ‘dumper’ not the ‘dumpee’? Let’s get real. Nobody likes being ‘that guy’ on the receiving end. And by ‘receiving’, I really mean, receiving NOTHING. It’s a freaking FACT of life. In a relationship, it is ALWAYS 60-40, 70-30… it is RARELY ever 50-50. They say that the person who cares less has more power. “Power”… Why does there even have to be “power” OVER another? It makes me annoyed and sick. We are all just too consumed in our own egos and afraid of looking like the fool. Nobody wants to be rejected. Especially to their freaking face. So what do we do? We hide. We hide behind our silence, we hide behind our noses stuck up in the air, we hide behind our pride because we’re too afraid to just put our heart on a freaking stake and say, “HERE, OKAY. I LIKE YOU. And EVIDENTLY, YOU don’t like me as much as I like YOU. And THAT SUCKS.” It’s pointless in our minds to put ourselves through that uselessness.

… And then we move on. We make the conscious decision that we aren’t going to be hung up on this and… we MOVE ON.

Because life moves forward and when we come across things that make us stuck, it should be a really good indicator that it’s not meant for us anyhow.

It’s a matter of sucking it up and seeing past ourselves.

I just don’t think we should take it personal anymore. To put ourselves on pedestals and say, “YOU’RE BLIND. You DON’T SEE the QUEEN that I AM. Why HER? Why HIM? Don’t you see ME??” Heck, I’ve said that a COUNTLESS number of times. It was all for the sake of stroking my ego because it felt better than just accepting the fact that He isn’t for Me. It feels a whole lot better to be proud, bitter, and vengeful than to be sad and deal with our vulnerability.

It’s like we walk around and feel like we have this ‘right’ when we own and possess nothing. That’s why love is so complicated – we deal with too many confusing factors about ourselves, much more, in correspondence with another human. He doesn’t see me. He doesn’t value me the way I value myself. It’s not necessarily “his loss.” It’s a freaking shame in the moment, yes, but let’s think bigger picture. If this didn’t happen then I never would’ve met ____. I am a firm believer that life is a series of fortunate ‘accidents’ all intertwined for a greater purpose. To alter even the slightest happenstance, all down to even the second, could change EVERYTHING. It is EERIE and WEIRD and MAGICAL and REAL. Deal with this being part of the beauty of LIFE.

If there is any comfort I can find in being rejected, in feeling like a fool, in putting my heart out there and it not being received… it’s that I’m that much closer to experiencing something real.

So for now, I shall go about my daily routine. I’ll say hello, I’ll perhaps even give out my phone number. If I’m interested, I’ll definitely take down your phone number. And if I like you, I’ll either make it extremely obvious or I’ll say it. And if you don’t feel me, don’t treat me like I’m ‘THAT girl’. Be real and let’s all move on. Easier said than done, right?

Mmmm. Lauryn said it best, “It could all be so simple…”

I’ve spoken my piece.

Peace.

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BEAST.

Believe it or not, I do possess an inkling or so of athleticism within me. It may be quite hard for you to envision that considering most of the time I’m caught looking quite style conscious. You’d think Char at the gym = running in her chucks, denim shorts, a gold chain and gold hoop earrings, a little baby Tee that says “NO PAIN NO GAIN”, and of course, rockin’ that side shaved head. Let’s be honest here, especially to the most recent folks who have met me, I don’t exactly look like the type to break a sweat if my life depended on it.

You will now stand corrected.

I did participate in sport teams growing up. Basketball here, gymnastics there, (never volleyball, I am a disgrace), and in high school, I did “girly” athletic things like cheerleading and dance. (I know, I know, cheerleading. I’ll have you know I was once co-captain and even won a scholarship for cheerleading. We were not of the typical breed in east Vancouver. We were an ALL ASIAN (+1 white girl) cheer squad. Cornrows, mohawks, and 4 gold medals. Am I proud? HELL YA. I’ll spirit finger all up in your face.)

And now, being out of mandatory physical education, the only things I did was yoga.. and RUN. To have worked for a yoga apparel company for three years and reap the benefits of complimentary yoga classes was a dream. Not to mention the amounts of moisture wicking, functional yet fashionable work out attire I have collected over the years would make protein-chugging gym junkies green with envy.

Having left such a wonderful employment, I will be honest, I have not done a single thing other than one action: flex my mother freaking biceps to shovel food into my face.

It is so sad.

Fortunately, I am petite and Asian and don’t exactly put on noticeable weight. But let’s get real here. It’s not about attaining the hottest bod come summer 2010. I’ll love myself even if I’m a sio pao blob.

There is simply something so exhilarating about RUNNING.

It’s a release. You don’t think about anything, yet you think about everything. It’s so rewarding. I don’t give myself enough credit for my natural stamina. I refuse to stop. It’s like this internal battle within the confines of my mind, saying, “Char, you’re a mother effin BEAST. Mind over matter. Don’t you think about those dumplings and don’t you dare stop.”
About two years ago I was doing pretty good. During the time, I lived on the west end of Toronto, near Lakeshore/High Park. I would run from my house all the way down to High Park, through High Park, to the beach on Lakeshore, and then back uphill to my house. We’re talking a good 8-10km. It felt good.

Until the day I sprained my tendon and did that thing where I was battling in my mind to stop and walk, and decided, “HEY CHAR, YOU’RE A BEAST. YOU SHOULD JUST KEEP IGNORING THE SHOOTING PAINS AND RUN UPHILL FOR ANOTHER 40 MINUTES.” I had the Sporting Life 10 Km in two weeks and guess who couldn’t run it because she got an x-ray and had the Doc tell her she was outta commission for a month? YUP. THIISSS GUYY.

This year, there is no stopping me. I will regain my BEASTLY status once again. (Oh the GLUTES I had… try and pinch that and you’ll break your fingers.)

With that, the (boring and so-called scenic) indoor track is where I’ll be, building my time and my distance. If you care to join me, I will be entering the Harry Rosen Spring Run-Off in April, the Sporting Life 10 Km in May… and possibly the World Wildlife Fund’s CN Tower Climb in August (that one already makes me puke in my mouth a little.) Lol.

I’ve spoken my piece.

Peace.

Comments (1)

Time keeps on slippin..

Slippin, slippin… into the fuuuttturrreeee.

If one is wondering of my whereabouts via virtual online contexts, I have no reply other than BUSY. I do, however, observe my stats from time to time and made note that people are keeping up regardless of my lack of activity. I appreciate that, forreal. =)

This is currently processing whilst I take a moment to update you:

The Granby Girls took a mini vacay to my beloved home away from home away from home (Montreal) last weekend. The video will only be able to depict just a portion of what we experienced, because truly, to describe a weekend with just my girls would take up thousands upon thousands of words/hours of footage.
All you need to know is:

  • Beetle had the surprise of her life
  • Gluttony was committed (on several accounts)
  • Spas every weekend is the life I’m destined for
  • Kimora Lee Fabulous came into being

I shall leave the rest for the video forthcoming. Bare with me for it most likely will not be posted until the weekend.

+++

So what has been taking up all my time? To be completely frank, this semester’s school schedule consists of three night classes a week, work (at the jobspot blog) during the day, and ongoing lovehard video projects that are slowly wrapping up. I have/had meetings lined up with future clients/artists and I am currently trying to organize a messy pile that feels like it keeps on getting messy. Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize. I know.

Looking into the months ahead, I definitely feel like a step back from these independent projects would do me good. I’ve set out a goal to receive a high GPA this semester and to go above and beyond in the projects ahead. This appears to be a much heavier work load as opposed to last term, and if there’s anything I learned in 2009, it’s that I was lucky. Doing enough to get by just isn’t my standard anymore. Unfortunately, I want to do it all. I say ‘unfortunately‘ because despite how much I am able to accomplish, I still beat myself up for not doing everything I initially wanted. That’s kind of twisted, isn’t it? I’m really lucky to have Brit and Jen (the Beetles) in my life every single day to put me in my place and remind me of what I have done. They constantly remind me to look at what’s right in front of me, and be thankful.

I am. Truly.

So to those who are looking to work with me in the near future, I don’t want to deject you from contacting me and talking about what kind of insanely awesome collaborations we can get in on together. I am just stating that I won’t be getting heavy into outside projects until come summer. I look forward to it greatly. =)

Speaking of summer, a west coast tour is also in the planning stages. LA, San Francisco, Vancityall in the beginning of June. You best believe the Granby Girls will be blastin’ DJ Big Jacks‘ remix of ‘Goin Back To Cali‘ (in the Snack Pack) … I’m gunna barf because I’m so excited!

Okay. Render is complete. More to do. More to come. Stay tuned.

I’ve spoken my piece.
Peace.

Comments

Hmmm.

Love, you are so many people in body. Nothing on this earth can ever be destroyed. It only turns from one form into another. You are still you. You are still in there. And as much as this is the constant and ongoing evolution of you… there are parts of a past you that emerge. Do you remember? Can you remember? You remember with small glimpses, brief flashes in the mind… but do you remember with your heart? Love, do you remember?

Comments

Alphabetical Order


Get organized.

It’s 2010 and it’s time to get that act together. Everyone’s been proclaiming it: “2010 is gunna be THE year!”
I had lunch recently with a pal of mine at Salad King (best, BEST, best phud thai around) and I took a stroll down memory lane trying to figure out which of the last couple of years have been the most eventful/the most epic experiences occurred. I realized the last four years have all been epic: 2006: graduating highschool, my debut, college, the end to a great relationship, the death of my cousin; 2007: going away to the Philippines for the first time since I was born, living in Montreal for the summer, working for the Lu; 2008: moving away to Toronto, the city I had never even been to, the early makings of ‘Beedjos’ at the Lu; 2009: getting into RTA at Ryerson, summer job with my own web series, lovehard… Now, the majority of what I listed here were the successes and wonderful things that happened in these past four years. This is not to say that it didn’t come with it’s equal share of hardships. I would be a liar to deny that.
But this year DOES feel different. It’s because I’M different. It’s because I’m looking at it what’s to come right in the face and I’m ready for it. All of it. I feel like I really set myself up in 2009 to do whatever it is I’m going to do in 2010. And even if I didn’t, I’ll own it.

With that being said, I went down to Grand & Toy yesterday and stocked up on a few office supplies. I can’t live without notepads, post-it notes, and burnable CDs/DVDs. Oh, and I got myself some filing storage. It has wheels on the bottom;P My advice? Get your January started off on the right foot. Write your goals down. Get a new hard drive. Buy a cork board. Organization is so geeky feel-good, like watching a Disney movie.

it makes you feel like a boss.

Ah, I’ve got less than 20 minutes until my next class. TV Studio/EFP (Electronic Field Production.) You don’t understand how excited I am for this. Perhaps I will find my other half (master Editor) who I will recruit under my lovehard armpits to come work for me. *Crosses fingers*.

Until next time, peeps.
I’ve spoken my piece.
Peace.

Comments (3)

Riddle me this, Life.

There seems to be a constant tug-of-war going in in my world; the go-getter, make-things-happen, do-it-now side of me VS. Timing and destiny. They are both, at times, things that seem to be in harmony with one another, and at other times, seems to be on opposing ends. I believe in the law of attraction, I believe in putting it out there in the universe and it responding in kind. I believe in the power of your mind; mind over matter, mind over matter. And if you will it to be so, believe in it, see it, taste it… it’s there. It will happen. This is probably why I’m such an instantaneous person. I believe I have pretty accurate gut instincts and an unexplainable intuition with people, perhaps it is just the ability and openness to vibe with other people’s vibes. When I see something I am inspired by, something that I can’t let just walk on by… I jump. I jump far. I want it, and if you’re not going to go after it, then it just makes it easier for me to grab it. I don’t understand why some people just don’t think like this. I don’t understand their passivity. It is my most disliked trait in humans. The ability to NOT care (about the things that matter.)
And then I have to remember that this battle isn’t one-sided. It isn’t just me fighting for my dreams here. Timing and Destiny pull a fast one on me and tell me, “Wait. Not yet. Not now. Be patient. I have a time and a place for this. Trust me.”

I feel like a child.

I want to pump my fists in the air exclaiming, “Now, now, now! I want it now! Why do I have to wait? Are they CRAZY? Why WOULDN’T they? Do they know who they’re dealing with?” That question seems to come up a lot. I wonder aloud if everybody is crazy for not wanting to do what I would have done in their situation.

Not everybody is going to like you. Not everybody is going to see you the way you see you. And it comes down to that… finding that person who sees you the same way you see them. That is a rarity and a gem and it is something that I am so hopeful to experience again and so afraid to all at the very same time.

So as much as I would have jumped on the Char train had she given me the chance… not everybody would see that as ideal. And I guess that makes things a little easier for me, not having to deal with random non-serious bullsh*t that would deter me from someone who truly sees me… and I, them.

Big ups to everyone who’s shunned me or didn’t see it as worthy of their time to invest even a conversation, despite my initiation. My ego likes to believe that you’ll be bitten in the ass dealing with your feelings of regret… but let’s be honest here. Life moves forward and we cannot deny that Destiny and Timing are an unstoppable force, who, at the end of it all, balances everything in life to be the way it’s meant to be.

When Destiny, Timing, and Myself align… I’ll see you there.

I’ve spoken my piece.
Peace.

Comments

Ringin' in a new Decade

[vimeo vimeo.com/8491878]

It’s 2010, baby. We are at the forefront of something new, something different and something incredible.

I want to thank 2009 for everything it blessed me with — the wonderful memories workin’ for the Lu, getting into Ryerson for RTA, having the best summer job in Vancity running my own web series, an epic 21st birthday, moving into the Granby Girls household, going to Winnipeg, NYC TWICE, MTL TWICE, VANCITY TWICE, the makings of the Lovehard movement, Christmas with the whole fam, and MEETING EVERY SINGLE INCREDIBLE HUMAN THAT HAS ENHANCED MY LIFE. (I swear, I met soooo many new people this year, it’s ridiculous.)

*exhale*

It’s been a good run. I can’t even tell you how amped I am on the year to come. My goals are all written on my wall on post-it notes; it’s disgusting. There are lots to be accomplished and I’m sure 2010 is gunna have a few surprises up it’s sleeve for me. The good and the bad, I’m ready for you because I’m goin harder this year and I’m puttin on a game face like you’ve never seen. I want to look back on this a year from now and reflect on all that’s happened and be a better, wiser, stronger, faster, funner, crazier, insanier human than I am today. It’s gunna happen, best believe it, baby.

So to you, Toronto, Vancity, Mtl, Cali, VA, whoeverrrr reads this and wherever in the world you are right now, I want to challenge you.

I challenge you to do the unthinkable. I dare you to stand up and be bold, surprise yourself. Travel to a new city, fall in love, get on stage and rip the mic, go to school for what YOU want, pursue your passion, say what you feel when you feel it, run, walk over and talk to him, give her a call, set goals, quit your bad habits, read a great book, save money, spend coin, scream, be candid, get twitter, let people in, share your heart, write in a journal, leave a legacy, come be in the sky with me… and let’s just BE. Let’s BE ready.

Stay posted. You’ll see many changes coming up in the near future. I wish you all nothing but greatness in the year to come, remember this: It’s what you make it.

I’ve spoken my piece.
Peace.

Comments (1)