Say No to No

I guess you can say I’ve been going through my own self-induced turmoil lately. I’m aware of the type of life I’ve chosen for myself — I am stupid busy. Not only am I full time student in a very demanding program, I work… all the time. Whether it’s cutting a video, filming, editing photos, shooting, blogging, writing, dreaming and manifesting this thing you see here, lovehard, and the potential of what the future of this is… I don’t stop. I feel afraid to — I am fearful of becoming stagnant, stuck, I push myself to never stop moving because I see it as opportunity lost…

And yet, amongst it all, I find it difficult to be… consistently content. I forget to… appreciate what I’ve accomplished… I forget to… be good enough for myself. When I am thinking of what’s in front of me, I’m already thinking of what else needs to be done right after that. I get angry at myself that my brain is super saturated with these “GO, GO, GO” thoughts. I get angry that my days are filled with always being in front of a computer and always using technological gadgetry. I get angry that there is no freaking nature that’s easily accessible to me here in Toronto (I’m a spoiled Vancouverite). I even get angry that I can’t  turn off my phone for a whole day without it affecting a ripple of people and things that I am accountable for.

Whenever I get upset, I actually… start going through every travel deal website on Google. Megabus, Westjet, Expedia, RedFlag Deals, evverrryyyything. I think to myself… Hey Char… you just need a vacation. Go to Mexico… (if only I had the means). The truth is it’s not about taking a vacation (which I am also fearful of that being a hindrance to what needs to be done), it’s simply this: I am resisting the life that is mine, which, quite frankly… is a pretty freaking amazing life for a 22 year old.

I’ve probably said it before on here, and I say it to many people — the sooner you accept your circumstances, the sooner you can experience peace within yourself. I guess I never thought about it in terms of just accepting… that my life is crazy and I have much to do. I am on a road to some pretty amazing things and I am so confident of this. When I think of my future, I see no limitations — not by geography, money, relationship or possibility. I have to stop… resisting... that this is what I have, and am going to have. I hear this with an open mind and know that I can take it and push myself more. I guess it’s a matter of finding some balance, giving myself a little more love (you can never have enough, right?) and allotting some real Char-time.

A special thank you to my dear friend Giles, for always reminding me that my perception is my reality, and that it is me who chooses that perception. I send my gratitude towards the Beetles (Brit and Jenn) for dealing with my moody self this past week, and loving me like real sisters do. And much, much, muuuuch love to all who have encountered me this week (apologies if it was the b*tchy Char) and have passed along their positive thoughts, words, and even hugs. I have a great support here, and please know, it comes full circle.

Tonight will be a great night. It marks the first that Lovehard is dabbling into the Toronto nightiming scene. Tell It To My Heart is where you’ll catch me, obviously with camera in hand… but I’ve told myself to put it down early and bust some hardcore Jessie Spano hip and chest pump action on the dance floor. Join me, especially if you’ve got some AC Slater pirouette action hiding in the closet… Hahaha. =)

I’ve spoken my piece.

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