It’s weird that a few days ago I was talking about Time Warping. That’s what it is. Going away to Toronto and living a completely different life to return to where it all began and never seeing the people I once saw on the regular. People’s paths divert and change and move… constantly. And then… after all that time, all these people’s paths could be brought together once again. Unfortunate the circumstance and reason for us all coming together… but it made me appreciate each and every single person present.

I thought back to when I was 16, everyone else 17. We used to hang out at the smoke pit. I remember there were a lot of gross spit balls on the ground. It was the chillin’ place to stand and cool out. Sometimes we did the exact same thing in the tennis courts. We stood there… and my mind flashed back to 6 years ago when that happened. It felt as though nothing changed, and we were there all over again. It tripped me out so bad to come together with all these people I haven’t seen in so long. I just wanted to stay. I wanted to revel in it all because I fear the next time and how long it would be before that would happen again.

He was walking me home once. It was snowing. I laughed and tried to push him into the ground. He chased after me down the slippery sidewalk and threw me into the snow-covered grass. He told me he had never made snow angels before. So we made them. We stared up at the bright vast blackness we lay beneath and watched for shooting stars. He caught sight of one, and I told him to make a wish. I asked him to tell me what he wished for. He told me he wished we would be friends forever. I laughed and said to myself, ‘this guy is so gay.’ But I knew I loved it. I knew he meant it. I can’t believe that there actually existed a time when someone wished upon a star that we would be friends forever. I wish his wish came true. I know forever means beyond what life’s bounds… but I wish forever was a little more longer here on earth.

I am sad. I am genuinely and deeply sad for the family, for our friends, for everyone who knew him. My heart goes out to you. To all of you. I hate feeling this way. I hate being angry. I hate being sad. I hate that this is what it came to when everyone who’s life you’ve touched has loved you. Why couldn’t you see that? You should have seen everyone who came for you. Everyone who shed a tear, toasted a drink, chanted your name… I wish you could see how selfish you were. I wish it would be enough to change it. Where are you? That’s what scares me. I don’t know. We all don’t know.

I’m just typing nonsense… trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. I hate thinking about these things.

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