In an attempt to make sense of it all…

Nobody gets it, and I guess nobody ever will. I’ve kind of been here before, and I’ve kind of asked these same questions at one point in time… and not knowing the answers has frustrated me, made me angry time and time again. The answer is: there are no definite answers. We do whatever is natural for our human bodies to come to accept something as tragic as this. We cry, we cling onto each other, we share fond memories, we speak unto the universe wherever he may be, telling him we miss him, we wish we did more, said something, hugged longer, made more of an effort… anything and everything to feel some sort of peace within ourselves.

I hate thinking about it because it’s something I’ve never felt at peace about. How can you when it burns your brain wondering how someone can get to that point of choosing to end it all? It makes me angry. I want to break windows and punch walls. It is selfish. It is SUCH a selfish act. It doesn’t matter how much you’re hurting, things CAN get better. I wish I was there, I wish we still talked, I wish it wasn’t years since we last saw each other, really had a conversation with one another. It makes me mad thinking about how people can be so closed minded, blinded by what’s in front of them not being able to see past themselves. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE OUT THERE THAN THIS. THINGS CAN GET BETTER. THEY CAN. THEY CAN. THEN CAN.

I wish you knew this. I wish I could tell you this. I wish you were still alive. I wish you could see that every single person who’s life you’ve touched are hurting. Everyone is HURTING because of what you did and that’s why I’m mad at all of this. Perhaps we’re at fault for not making more of an effort, but let’s get real, people care, it’s not like you didn’t have any friends, it’s not like you were never loved, it didn’t ever have to come to this. IT DIDN’T.

You were too young. You had too much to experience still in life, the happiest moments were still ahead… couldn’t you see that?! I wish you could see the power and potential you had in you to really make a difference in your life. You can choose to live as easily as you chose to die…

This is so sad. I don’t like opening this door in my heart. I am angry, I am mad, I am hurt for your family. It doesn’t matter that we haven’t spoken in years, I still remember the things you once told me, I remember the hopes and promises you once made. You wished for us to be friends forever.

I thank God that at one point in time we shared a closeness, although brief, was genuine and real. Thanks for telling me that I looked like an exotic Filipina, haha. I think you just thought that because I’m pale. Bad joke… sigh. You were a good guy, Sam. A really, really good guy… as much as maybe you thought everyone would get over it one day, you never factored in how long that would take for some people, and how much you’d hurt us all…

To anyone who’s reading this who maybe… shares similar feelings to my friend Sam who thought life would be easier if it wasn’t lived at all… I want you to know that you’re WRONG. Life is what you make it and you have the power within yourself to make it as good as you can imagine. Please believe this, and please know that you are cared and loved for. The world needs You.

I’ve spoken my piece.

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